Vanderpump Rules Recap – Jax Taylor’s Life Flashes Before His Eyes!

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Just on time for our 9 pm dinner reservation at Sur.

We’re back at Scheana’s boyfriend’s cabin and are dealing with the aftermath of James’ drunken outburst. James states that he has feelings for Lala and wants to protect her and because of that, he doesn’t respect her man. Scheana is confused about their relationship (just like the rest of America) as the two act like an incestuous brother and sister. Speaking of relationships; we’re still listening to Scheana’s ‘ode to Rob’ which is annoying to everyone (including this writer.)

Back in WeHo we’re seeing LVP putting the finishing touches to SUR after the fire. TomTom needs some TLC as it’s apparently a “mess” and Stassi wants Lisa to slow down by being a guest on her podcast.

Speaking of TomTom, Jax is feeling left behind as he doesn’t have a degree and he fears being a bartender at SUR for the rest of his life (which is a legit concern for him.) Jax is taking his frustrations out by working on his fitness which includes an impromptu swim. The altitude gets to Jax and he has problems breathing and has to call for a lifeguard who thinks he’s joking. Luckily Jax was convincing that he was dying and the lifeguard went in to save him. The group laughs it off because really: What is more funny than you friend almost dying? Jax is pretty embarrassed about almost dying on a casual morning swim but I highly doubt this near death experience will change him #Jaxforever.

Jax may have cheated death but the real hero of the day is Rob who Scheana is infatuated with. Scheana is loving to hear about how Rob jumped in to save Jax (even though it was the lifeguard who actually saved his life.) St. Rob strikes again! Tom points out that Rob and Jax are almost the same age but have completely different lives. One has a successful career with two homes while the other is clinging on to a relationship and struggling to find a career. I’ll let you figure out who is who here.

Back at SUR we are talking about vaginas with Billie Lee and LVP. Apparently there are some pretty ugly vaginas out there which we have the pleasure of hearing about with Ms. Billie Lee. I’m liking Billie so far but I wish we would get to see a deeper side to her vs. the quick snippets that we’ve seen so far (including the vagina monologues.)

Over at Big Bear Tom Sandoval is bummed that he may have to work on his birthday (part of growing up bud) as TomTom needs some work. Ariana isn’t happy that he may not be able to party, which is odd as you think a girlfriend would want her boyfriend to follow his dream. While Tom thinks about his future, Lala is thinking about getting some sun on her boobies as Katie isn’t there to bitch her out. We’re not in Europe and it’s a small group of friends so I don’t get why she decided going topless was an appropriate idea.

The gang goes tubing which is pretty entertaining and we get to see some pretty pink panties from Jax and Tom. Scheana points out that Jax has put on a little weight which I kinda feel bad even typing as dude almost died. Can’t we cut this guy a break at least for today? Rob then takes center stage and proves he is even good at water sports which of course he is. Is there anything Rob can’t do?

Stassi is preparing for her podcast with LVP and I’m liking the questions she is coming up with. Haven’t we all wondered what Lisa does when she has a day off? Is she like the rest of us mortals and has binges with Netflix or does she just roll around in her money? Stassi wants to learn how Lisa landed Ken as she is having relationship issues with Patrick. What’s new?

In Big Bear James and Lala are flirting big time and if I were Raquel I would have serious issues with Lala going topless. We already know that the two have a past and that James has a thing for her. Is she trying to get more attention from him? The boys go out on the boat drinking beer and do some deep manly talking about Rob and Scheana’s relationship. Apparently Scheana loves to drop the ‘L’ word but Rob is a bit more cautious. Apparently Rob and Scheana’s relationship isn’t everything that it seems. Da da dum…..

Tom and Ariana are quarreling about his birthday business trip to Vegas as Ariana has issues with Jax going. I have to admit that Jax doesn’t scream business so she has legitimate concerns. Back in WeHo the other Tom (Schwartz) is having date night with the wifey. I’m loving Katie’s hair and makeup and think she is coming into her own. Maybe the role of wife suits her? Tom ends up serenading his wife with a mariachi classic and I think this is the sweetest scene between the two that I’ve seen.

In Big Bear Raquel and Lala are having a little chat and Raquel finally finds her voice (which is long overdue.) Raquel calls out her bf for shamelessly flirting with Lala and expresses her concerns. Lala puts it perfectly by saying that while Raquel may be sweet, she may not be tough enough to hang with James in the long run.

The big day is here and Stassi is ready to interview LVP for her podcast. Lisa has downed a few glasses of wine so her guard is down and she is ready to talk. We find out that her celebrity crush is George Clooney (of course) and that it was love at first sight with Ken. Lisa shares how to bag a man and I think she actually gives some good advice. Stassi actually nails the interview until the last question. So close Stassi!

We are winding down the Big Bear trip and Jax is still exhausted from almost dying. While the peasants sleep, Lala and James decide to go hot tubbing (even after Raquel mentioned their relationship made her uncomfortable.) To me, Lala is breaking girl code as if a girl thinks you’re too close to her man…you probably are! Not that Lala is the only one to blame here as James is one of the worst boyfriends of all time. He’s almost at Jax status at this point. James thinks he may have a chance with Lala once he makes it big as the only reason they aren’t together now is because Lala is a gold digger. The eloquent James even quotes Ray J saying ‘he hit it first.’

Scheana is overseeing the cleanup crew and the group can’t get out fast enough. Back in WeHo Scheana has Kristen over to talk about the amazing Rob and their future as business partners. The two want to form the eBay of divorces (which I don’t really understand.) Why does it matter if you are divorced? I can’t sell my stuff on their site if I’m still married? #Questions Jax comes up in the conversation and Scheana feels that Jax is jealous of their amazing relationship. Apparently Rob adores Scheana, wants to have her babies and can’t stop staring at her. I can’t believe that Kristen could keep a straight face during that conversation.

Well Sur-Vers that’s it for tonight! Next week we will meet in Vegas.

Thoughts on this week’s episode?

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